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1.           Ted—“Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” and “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey: Sweetness and a little goofiness are not a bad thing, dude.

2.          Harker—“Bram Stoker’s Dracula”: Good guy, Victorian, romantic hero gentleman decency, personal integrity, high heroics, and respect for her counts, even against “The” Count.

3.           Neo—“The Matrix”: Let her in your space, truly listen to her and heed her wise advise, and be there when she needs you to hold her up, or scoop a software virus bullet out of her heart. I don’t know about you, but I know a guy who does that everyday.

4.          Jack—“Speed”: Resetting the contemporary standard of the hero, he shares her burdens, his with her and hers by him. And absolutely does not leave her alone when she's chained to a life and death problem, and his not. Bonus points for that.

5.          Jjaks—“Feeling Minnesota”: Be open to the opportunity, and to her needs, wants, and sense of fun; and don’t let others, including family make your love choice for you. Its your love, know yourself, love yourself, love that right other. But try not to faint when you get too surprised.

6.          Alex—“Lake House”: Communicate the real you, truly listen, and give her gifts that show your genuine interest and who you truly are inside not just out. A time wormhole in a mailbox. The question for you is are you more present than Alex when communicating with her while you’re face to face or do you, too, need a “magic mailbox?

7.          Nelson—“Sweet November”: Get over yourself and your ego, you’re not the center of the universe but make her feel she’s the center of yours; plus, sex—loosen up, don’t hurry, and relax. And a “Speed” pop quiz: What do you do when you’ve found The One, and you cant keep her from dying? Pop quiz 2: Can you think of twelve gifts that represent memorable moments shared with your significantly loved one? Try it.

8.          Shane—“The Replacements” (Go Bucks! The Ohio State Buckeyes!): Take a chance, even if you were utterly humiliated in public, nationwide, world wide, universe wide; plus, the more you become who you truly should be, who you truly are without regard to posturing ego, the more happy you’ll be personally and, bonus, you’ll attract the right love. Not particularly funny, but it’s true.

9.          Julian—“Something’s Gotta Give”: Enjoy and appreciate who she really is so get to know her and what she does, what’s important to her. You love when she loves what you do and what you love, so does she. And be a surprise for her, get her out of her comfort zone, in a good way*, open her world yet make it cozy for her, and happy and full of laughter. There’re a lot of gals who see Dr. Julian as perfect. Except for the part of being a figment of film fiction, I guess, he just might be.

10.       Paul—“A Walk Clouds in The Clouds”: Classic Hollywood generation’s old fashioned romantic hero; so, remember, that being gentle, true blue, honest, and reasonably open about your love intentions are good, being a defender of womanhood is good, but do divest yourself of any other competing women who aren’t good enough for your heartfelt love and desire for family, or whatever it is you need, really need, in your life.

That’s the simple stuff.

Support her, believe her and in her, stand by her in her darkest moments of mad bombers, relentless software agents, or just an angry, frightened father; or, instead, you’ll be one of these complicated Keanu creations* of evil, blind ambition, and hero misjudgment:

Johnny Utah—“Point Break” (Go Ohio State Buckeyes!): Yeah, I know, he’s the hero of the piece, but he almost got his own girlfriend killed. And no one, not even KCR [Keanu C. Reeves] is allowed to kill and/or murder Laurie Petty, ever. And, yes, there is a guy on guy hetero-crush here, isn’t there all so perfect and profound guy on guy fraternal love in every sport and action film? I know it’s, guy, not love, it’s “respect.” Of course it is, and I believe you when you say that more than you do, fella.

Kevin Lomax—“The Devil’s Advocate”: He got his own perfect for him wife castrated, raped, and driven insane by the Archangel of Evil himself—her father-in-law; then she committed suicide, for Kevin. Good going in the selfless, supportive husband department, Kevin. I thought the Me Generation was supposed to have moved on already.

Don John (not Don Juan, WS pun intended)—“Much Ado About Nothing”: Just an unhappy and misunderstood bastard spreading his discontent wherever he can. And that is literal bastard, not metaphorical. And no, he’s not gay nor is he hetero or bi, he is what he says he is, or what Will Shakespeare said for him, “I am the villain of the piece,” which makes him or you, if you’re emulating him, not boyfriend material. I repeat not. He’s too unhappy with himself, to have a love interest of his own, even when he can, but get’s the ingénue heroine abused, rejected, and presumed dead.

Donnie Barksdale—“The Gift”: Dragging your wife through paint by her hair, not good. Striking her with your fist, which is nearly bigger than her face, because you’re afraid she’ll leave you, not good. Breaking and entering and threatening a widow and mother of three small boys, again, because you’re afraid she’ll tell your wife, who should leave you, to leave you, not good. Stalking a little boy and grabbing him, until a bigger nutcase gets you off the boy, not good. Being in the wrong place, with the wrong girl, who turns up with your fist mark on her face and dead on your property, because of you … not good, for her nor you, or the rest of us watching.

David Allan Grier, I mean, Griffin—“The Watcher”: Serial killer nearly garrotes and sets his favorite FBI investigator’s girlfriend-psychiatrist-rival for his favorite FBI man on fire. Now this is truly the hetero-crush on negative steroids, the guy on guy crush of “you really understand me,” I hate your girl, “what do you see in her, anyway,” so can I kill her for us. That’s bad.

Get guys, getting your girl broken hearted, raped by Satan, or murderer/almost murdered by a mad serial killer or bomber is bad. Very bad. Telling her or showing her, so she understands, the truth of your feeling for her—I repeat—“so she understands,” comprehends, really gets you … and you get her, that’s gotta be better and less hard than the mayhem of a blockbuster or a little film character study.

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